The phenomenon most difficult for me to understand and accept is darkness.
I knew darkness once. I was born into it. But then something happened. The light went on and I could see clearly. Elation. Relief. Profound sense of Being. Truth.
Years later something else happened. Darkness swiftly returned - this time in spades. How can this be? I had done nothing to bring on this sharply unsettling turn of events. It came of its own accord. Yet, inherent in its sudden onrush, was breathed a subtle whisper: through no fault of my own I was irretrievably caught in colossal tides, an irresistible oceanic flow of light and darkness. Great.
Light was much to be preferred. Its brilliant illumination taught me a great deal of the fundamental nature of things. Now, with the return of darkness, a corresponding to the gaping void in my nous opened up. Each day I balanced on a knife edge. I had to remain true to lessons of the light. Courage and faith were de rigeur if I were to succeed in daily shaping my existence around memories of light.
But the phenomenon of light itself I could not recover. Retracing my earlier steps was futile. Digging into previous methods of thought that were once a source of illumination, I repeatedly came up empty. Wrestling with darkness as if to squeeze light out of it - pointless. Consulting friends only confirmed the scope of deepening shadows dominating my social circle. (My apologies to those who were exposed to me during my intense frustrations of this protracted trajectory of triviality.)
Surely, this is temporary, I thought. And it likely is. But it is stretching me over a far longer interval than I anticipated. In the meantime, I learned to behave as if I were living in the light, only without the joy of its presence. Light receded and remains hidden from me.
Nevertheless, today I see and accept how essential to life darkness is. Without it, light would not have the conditions it needs to appear. The interplay of light and darkness is not a choice one makes. It is a fact of life. One learns to negotiate. And it is never altogether one or altogether the other, at least, not for long. The push and pull of their tidal powers is what's in play.
In its time the tide will turn again.